2 years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I wish I was to a point that I could use today to remember all the happy times but all I could do today was think, 2 years ago today at this time I was sitting in a hospital getting the worst news ever. 2 years ago today at this time I was waiting for Brandon to fly in. 2 years ago today I was thinking that life will never be the same. And it hasn't. I still wait for her to call me. I still almost call her on almost a weekly basis. I am constantly thinking, oh she would have loved...(mostly things to do with my kids) Or when we talk about going on a cruise and we wonder who will watch the kids, I still get angry that I can't offer someone on my side of the family. I'm still angry. It still hurts. The rest of the year I tend to put my feelings aside and think that there's nothing I can do. But today, when the members of my family that also have a hard time with today call me and remind me, it stays at the front of my mind. All day. So this is how I deal. I close up. The good intentions of doing a balloon launch and thinking of how much I love her and miss her? Gone. I'm over it. Maybe next year I'll be able to handle it better. I wish I had gone home to Washington like I had originally planned. At least then I would have had people around me who feel the same way I do. Instead I was here, running errands and making meals and chasing kids.
It's funny how you think that because something's going on in your world that everyone else should know about it and feel like you do. But they don't. And life goes on. The world doesn't end because you lost someone. And it shouldn't. But it still hurts, and you kind of want it to. To remember.
I love you Mom, I miss you. I can't wait to see you again.
1 comments:
That is beautiful. I have been thinking about your mom a lot lately too. I ran across some old photos recently of when you were Henry's age - I remember how envious I was of your mom's confidence and ability to take on the world.
Today is my dad's birthday. It is hard to get through these special days even years after they have already left. It's hard to remember what you've told people that didn't know them and try to not cry as you remember new things, or realize you're explaining the same memory over and over again. I don't think the urges to reach out to them ever really go away. It hasn't for me anyway. (I still have emails from your mom.)
Two years isn't that long. Give yourself more time... let your world stop once in a while to feel what you need to.
I love you Bobbi Joi.
Post a Comment